playing with fire
by tatty ted
Summary: AU. Cassandra Willis (nee Adams) hasn't had an easy life but she knows there's not a lot you can do. You can't change the cards life deals you, all you can do is sit back, play the game and hope you stay alive. - —OC, set during series 9; scenes of domestic violence. [one/?]
1. CHAPTER I

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* * *

**PLAYING WITH FIRE**  
_if you play with fire, you get burnt_

* * *

She'd spent all night pacing the living room, careful not to wake her husband Billy, her stomach tightening every hour the closer she got to seven.

Today was her first day at Holby City and to say she was nervous was an understatement. She used to work in the emergency department of St James' before going off onto maternity leave and raising her three children who were now, four, three and two respectively.

Cassandra chewed her lower lip nervously before she sat down on the settee and drank her third cup of water in fifteen minutes. She knew Billy would fear the worst if he woke and she wasn't there but she couldn't go back to sleep, she'd just lay awake all night staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles.

Breathing deeply, she got on with cleaning, ironing and washing; the things she should've done last night but instead collapsed exhaustedly on the settee, her feet hurting after running around with the younger one all day.

It was about six-fifteen when Courtney woke up, crying for her breakfast. She ran up the stairs quickly so she couldn't wake Billy but with no avail, she heard him mutter about shutting that brat up. She breathed deeply and walked into the bedroom.

Heading for the cot, she looked at Courtney and smiled brightly, "morning gorgeous."

Taking Courtney downstairs, she sat her in the highchair and began to make her some porridge. The rest of the morning passed with rushing after Courtney, feeding the two older children Zachary and Alexis as well as trying to get herself ready for her new job.

Knowing she had to leave at eight, to make the forty minute walk to Holby, she shouted up the stairs; "Billy, Billy we've got to go?"

Getting no reply she closed her eyes and yelled; "Billy! In case you hadn't noticed I start my new job today and you've got to get your three children to school and nursery! Please Billy, wake up!"

She heard the sound of footsteps on the landing and her breath caught in her throat. She knew she was in for it, the way she'd spoken to Billy was enough to earn a slap. She saw him in his boxers, his fists clenched, teeth gritted.

"You sort your fucking kids! They're your fucking brats."

"I need your help, I won't get to work on time. Please."

"No, I've got plans." he walked back into the bedroom and Cassandra sighed. She knew she was in this on her own. Swallowing, she made sure the children were ready and by seven forty-five, set off to school.

Zachary four walked on one side, Alexis three on the other and Courtney two in the buggy. The conversation was nice between the two oldest, her asking them what they were going to be doing at school. Neither of them knew, they were excited to be going to school (school was better than the atmosphere at home)

Dropping Zachary and Alexis off at breakfast club, she dropped Courtney off at nursery and upon realising she had twenty minutes to make it to work on time, she stomped her way through Holby, breathing deeply and wondering how great it would look if on her first day, she was late.

Reaching Holby Hospital for one minute to nine, she walked through accident and emergency and reached the reception desk, "hello. I'm looking for Charlie, Charlie Fairhead."

"Sure," Cassandra couldn't help but think about cute looking the man at reception once. She swallowed hard and took a seat, crossing one leg over the other nervously chewing on her fingernails. Sitting there reminded her of all the times she'd been into Queens emergency department, been patched up after the beatings at the hands of her husband.

"Charlie, there's a woman here to see you." Gesturing over to Cassandra, Charlie smiled when he realised it was his new staff nurse. Walking up to her slowly, she stood up and smiled brightly, "hey, I'm Cassandra, you must be Charlie?"

Charlie nodded. He showed Cassandra to the staff room where she placed her bag and her coat in the locker provided and she breathed deeply. Making eye contact with Charlie, she wondered why she was so nervous. Nursing was in her blood, it was something she'd done since she was eighteen.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little," she smiled brightly, "I shouldn't be of course, I've done nursing for years. I'm just a little out of practise after having my children."

"How many have you got?"

"Three, two girls and a boy."

Following Charlie out of the staff room, she followed him through the doors of the emergency department. Calling a group meeting, she felt anxious when he called everyone around and everybody stood staring at her. She swallowed, the fear remaining in the pool of her stomach,

"I want to introduce you to Cassandra Willis, our new staff nurse."

* * *

_"What did you do this time?"_

_"Please Kate, please just leave it." She sat on the bed in the cubicle at Queens after yet another beating at the hands of her husband Billy. It had been three times already this week and the eighteenth time this month alone._

_Kate was always the one to patch her up whenever she came in, "Cassie, you don't have to live like this."_

_"I know Kate, believe me I know but I can't leave the children."_

_"Take the children with you," she sighed. If only it was that simple, "I wish I could Kate, I really wish I could."_

* * *

"This is Kate, Kate this is—"

Cassandra's eyes fell upon Kate, the same Kate who was sister at Queens, the one who patched her up every time she was injured. She swallowed, a knot forming in the pit of her stomach. This wasn't meant to happen. She wasn't meant to bump into Kate, not today, not ever. This was her fresh start in life.

"Cassie, yeah we've already met."

Charlie noticed the look that was exchanged between the two, "I'll leave you in Kate's capable hands, if there's any problems you know where I am okay?"

Cassandra nodded as she watched Charlie walk away. Turning her attention to Kate, neither of them spoke. She couldn't believe of all the places, this is where she ended up. Now she was never going to get a fresh start because every time she arrived to work with bruises, Kate would always see through her lies, she'd always see the truth. That her husband was still hitting her and she was still excusing his behaviour, just like then.

* * *

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	2. CHAPTER II

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**CHAPTER TWO**  
_then we kissed and said goodbye_

* * *

Her nerves died down after she met the staff and treated her first patient, it was like she'd never been away from nursing. The first couple of hours in accident and emergency were busy (not surprisingly, it was Friday)

She'd seen several broken bones, a patient who'd overdosed on paracetamol and a child with appendicitis. Sarah was four, the young girl in cubicle four with appendicitis, Cassandra could relate from when her own son had his taken out aged three, "hello Sarah, I'm just going to give you some medicine okay?"

"No! No medicine!" the girl answered, her eyes wide in terror at the size of the needle.

Cassandra smiled softly and after drawing up zero point five millilitres of morphine put down the needle on the table, "I know you're feeling scared hunny but it will make your tummy feel better."

"But needles hurt!"

"Only for a little while," she swallowed, wondering how she could stop the child from in front of her freaking out. Deciding to put her parenting skills to good use, she tried a distraction technique, sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't; "do you have any pets?"

"One cat and one dog. Bella and Bill."

"And do Bella and Bill sometimes scratch you by accident?"

Just before Sarah answered, Cassandra in one swift movement picked up the needle, administrated the medicine all before Sarah had chance to protest and realise what was happening. Sarah's mother smiled at Cassandra and mouthed thank you.

Cassandra smiled back politely and threw away the needle in the correct waste bin. Picking up the notes that were clipped at the end of the bed, she updated them before leaving the cubicle but not before explaining that a doctor would be around shortly to prepare her for surgery.

"How are you settling in?"

She was stood by the desk, trying to work out which number was for the paediatric registrar when Charlie walked towards her and asked the question. She smiled softly and answered back, "yeah it's—different but you know—I'm enjoying it."

Noticing the look of confusion that spread across her face, he asked what she was looking for and she answered the extension for the paediatric registrar. When he told her the number Cassandra smiled and mouthed thank you, it was going to take her a while to get used to all these numbers!

Her next patient wasn't technically hers but Kate's. Ros McGuire was thirty years or there abouts who'd been admitted after "falling down the stairs" It was obvious by the injuries she'd received that she hadn't fallen down the stairs and somebody had inflicted those injuries on her.

For Cassandra it was too close to home, that's why she was relieved when Kate took her; "Cassie, you couldn't have a word with Ros, the woman in five could you?"

"About?" reading Kate's facial expression gave it away why Kate wanted Cassandra to speak to her. A victim to a victim, somebody to be able to understand their reluctance to talk. Sighing deeply, she slammed the pen down on the desk; "fine. One battered wife to another?"

"Cassie I didn't mean it like that, I just—"

"Forget it," tearing a piece of paper, she scribbled down a number that she knew of by heart and took a deep breath as she walked to cubicle five. Opening the curtain, she saw Ros covered in bruises, staring into space and it reminded Cassandra of all the times she'd been in A&E in the past, the last one four weeks ago.

* * *

_She'd never bothered to go to Accident and Emergency after any of her beatings, it was only when she was unconscious that she'd be brought in._

_The first time, the time at the party, she was conscious but gave a false name. It was funny really, meeting Kate those years ago, in Queens Accident and Emergency department. The first time she lied, the second time she lied, the fourth time she lied too._

_It was only really, every time she entered, the staff knew she was an abuse victim. She insisted on being treated by Kate, because Kate was sensitive and didn't judge. Just listened and advised, (even if her advice did go ignored)_

_It took Cassandra four months to trust Kate, four months worth of lies until she revealed the truth. That she never fell down the stairs, her husband pushed her down them. It took Cassandra four months to feel safe with Kate. _

* * *

"Have they brought you in here to give me the "talk?" She smiles sadly. The talk, how she knows it off by heart, word for word. Cassandra pulled the curtain around the cubicle and handed Ros a piece of paper,

"if you're anything like me you know this number, you just haven't found the courage to call yet."

Ros thumbed the piece of paper in her fingers and looked at Cassandra. There was something about the young nurse, something that struck a cord with her. Cassandra knew how it felt, to be on the receiving ends of one of your husband's bad mood.

"I'm not going to tell you to leave him. If you're anything like me there's a reason why you're staying."

Ros is silent for a moment, "your husband hits you too?"

Cassandra closed her eyes and remembered the first time Billy had ever hit her.

* * *

_CRASH._

_There was a sickening thud as her head bounced off the table. The sound of slapped flesh echoed around the living room as he slapped both her cheeks hard. Bang. He threw her to the floor and punched her four, five, six times in the face._

_She'd embarrassed him at a family party, her dress was far too short then what was considered acceptable and the men were looking at her, flirting. She remembers been pinned to the wall by her throat, his hands squeezing her life from her._

_She remembers seeing nothing but emptiness in his eyes, the same emptiness that still scares her to this day._

* * *

Feeling a wave of nausea wash over her, she excused herself and ran to the bathroom.

Throwing up in the toilet, her eyes filled with tears, she wanted to burst into tears. She didn't expect to remember the first time her husband had hit her today, to flashback. She realised she'd been flashing back all day, still caught up in his trap even if he wasn't actually here.

Flushing the toilet and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she washed her hands with warm soapy water. Taking a deep breath Cassandra told herself she had to get a grip. Billy couldn't hurt her whilst she was here, she was fine. It was home she had to worry about but that wasn't until later, she just had to think of the here and the now.

"Are you okay?" It's Eddie who asks as she emerges out of the toilets. Cassandra nods and forces a smile. She tells herself out loud she'll be okay, hoping her brain will believe it too. She knows she won't be, her brains too busy thinking about what's waiting at home, the fear already nesting itself in the bottom of her stomach.

The fear that this time he'll kill her, like he says he will.

* * *

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	3. CHAPTER III

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**CHAPTER THREE**  
_I've always lived my life alone_

* * *

Cassandra got home about eight-thirty that night. Unlocking the front door, her heart beating furiously in her chest, she stepped into the hallway that was littered with toys and shoes and dressing up clothes.

Sighing deeply Cassandra kicked them aside before telling herself she'd pick them up later. Taking off her shoes, she hung her bag and coat on the bannister and walked into the living room. She sighed upon seeing the sight, tears pricking her eyes.

By Billy's arm chair were several empty cans of beer. He was watching the football and Cassandra knew he was already drunk. The children, their children were sat at the table, not making a word quietly colouring in their colouring books, careful not to annoy daddy whilst the football was on.

Gesturing for the children to come to her, they stood up and ran towards their mother, hugging her tightly.

Cassandra wasn't surprised that Billy hadn't put them to bed, he always considered that a woman's work, (that along with cleaning, ironing, being a general housewife) Cassandra put Courtney to bed first, tucked her into bed with two kisses on either cheek.

Alexis was second. Given a bedtime story, two kisses on both cheeks and tucked into bed. Lastly was Zachary, a story, two kisses and tucked into bed. The routine for al the children were the same despite the age, the only difference been time wise, Courtney was usually in bed for six-thirty and Zachary for seven.

As she returned to the kitchen, she decided to tackle the pots stacking up in the sink. Sure enough within a few minutes of been in there (and to ensure the children were fast asleep) a growl startled her, "were the fuck have you been?"

Pausing she slowly turned around to make eye contact, (she knew the importance) "I know I said half seven but I got caught up. I'm sorry,"

"You should be," he edged towards her and she swallowed hard, "you know what I've done? I've had to feed _your_ brats."

"I'm sorry I'll pay you the cost," he smirked, touched her cheek and returned to the living room to finish his alcohol and the football. She breathed a sigh of relief when he'd left the room. She'd been home twenty minutes and he hadn't _yet_ kicked off. She knew it was to come, it was _always_ to come.

Finishing in the kitchen she tidied the hall, put away the shoes, the toys and the clothes scattered about. Putting something in the toy box in the corner of the living room, she knocked into the cabinet causing it to bang. Billy stood up in a fury,

"What the hell are you doing?"

"T—tidying up." She stammered.

"I'll give you something to tidy up," throwing her full force into the glass cabinet, she closed her eyes as her back collided with the glass. Hearing it smash and crumble into shards on the floor, he stepped towards her and grabbed her hair.

Throwing her to the ground he pressed her face into the shards of glass, "don't you ever step into this room when the footballs on, you stupid cow!" Throwing the last dregs of his beer over her, he spat at her and stepped over her like she was dirt.

"I'm off to the pub and no, I don't know when I'll be back."

She was surprised to find only one small scratch present on her cheek when she examined herself after Billy had gone to the pub. It could easily be hidden underneath the foundation she wore and nobody would be none the wiser about it been there.

Cassandra knew he wouldn't be home until late, about four in the morning after some club in town (always the lap dancing clubs mind!) She knew the arguments and the fights weren't over, this was just a break — just luring Cassandra into a false sense of security.

* * *

She stays awake until he's home, she couldn't sleep anyway without knowing he's safe.

The keys scratch at the door and he practically falls into the hallway. Cassandra sighs and rolls her eyes, he grabs her arm and smiles sweetly, "hello gorgeous."

"Come on Billy, you're drunk."

"You're fuckable," he smiles and she doesn't smile back. The knot's returned in her stomach because she knows if she puts one foot wrong, she's had it. He might be drunk but he's still handy with his fists. He always had been whilst drunk.

"Don't talk like that, come on, lets go to bed."

_thump! _His fist collides with her mouth, splitting her lip and causing blood to pour in her mouth. She swallows as he pushes her against the wall and begins to tug at her clothing. She pushes him away with a stern warning before he grabs the side of her face and slams her head into the wall.

He smiled when Cassandra fell unconscious. Climbing on top of her, he took off her blouse and said gently, "that's better you tease."

Cassandra slowly opened her eyes and blinked at the bright light.

She was on her back in the hallway, a massive headache coming on. She reached up and touched her forehead feeling blood pool through her fingers. Billy was asleep next to her, underwear and trousers around his ankles, snoring gently.

She noticed her own underwear on the floor and quickly stood up, holding herself up against the wall for balance and put them back on. Taking herself off to bed, she lay on the double bed, stared at the ceiling and silently cried herself to sleep.

* * *

"What an earth happened to your face?"

Cassandra was stood in the staff room, putting away her coat and bag in the locker when Eddie asked the question. She swallowed hard realising people could see the cut through the foundation and wondered if they'd believe that she'd _walked into a cupboard door._

"Oh!" She laughed nervously, "I walked into a cupboard door, it's fine."

"Want me to take a look, it looks nasty?" she was about to protest, exclaim that she was fine when Eddie practically grabbed her head so she could get a closer look. There was nothing spoken for a moment before Eddie said gently,

"Could do with a couple of stitches in that, wait there."

Cassandra sighed. Never the less she stayed, not wanting to explain why she didn't want any stitches. A few moments later Eddie came back with some thread and a needle. Warning her to stay still, she noticed how clean the cut was.

"You cleaned it well."

"I'm a nurse what do you expect?"

Cassandra didn't flinch when Eddie was stitching her wound. Nothing hurt her anymore, she'd got used to pain. Billy inflicted pain on her every minute of every hour of every day. A few tiny stitches weren't going to hurt her. Eddie asked if it hurt and she answered that it didn't.

Just as Eddie had finished Rachel walked into the staff room, "everything okay?"

"This one's walked into a cupboard door," Cassandra smiled softly all whilst thinking "if only you knew the truth". Catching the look Rachel gave her, she answered back with a laugh, "what can I say? I'm a clutz, thank you Eddie."

As Cassandra left the room both Rachel and Eddie looked at each other and didn't say a thing. It was clear though that neither of them believed that Cassandra had walked into a cupboard door, people didn't walk into cupboard doors.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	4. CHAPTER IV

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**CHAPTER FOUR  
**_you keep making me ill_

* * *

"What was it this time?" It was the question Kate asked when she noticed the stitches at the side of Cassandra's head. Cassandra tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear before she answered,

"Billy didn't do anything, I walked into a cupboard."

"You don't expect me to believe that do you?"

Cassandra shrugged, she knew Kate would always doubt Billy anyway, "you can believe what you like, I'm not bothered." As she walked away Kate sighed deeply. She remembered the first time she met Cassandra as a scared seventeen year old.

* * *

_"Cassandra Adams," a timid blonde haired girl stood up from the front row and slowly made her way towards Kate. She was wearing a white shirt that was soaked with blood and her jeans ripped. She was holding her arm, pain etched over her over._

_Kate took her to a cubicle, knowing this girl was the victim of something. Injuries like this weren't sustained in accidents such as falling or walking into things. Reaching the cubicle Cassandra sat down on the bed, "so what happened to you?"_

_There was a silence. She chewed her lower lip hard and whispered, "nothing. I, I fell over."_

_Kate sighed. She'd seen enough victims of abuse to know that it was hard to open up. Saying out loud was too hard when they'd denied it for so long, denied that it was abuse because of the cycles of abuse, the period of calm._

_"Let me check your wrist," she doesn't think she's ever seen such emptiness in somebody's eyes, least of all in a seventeen year olds eyes. _

* * *

Cassandra tried to forget about the incident with Billy, the beating and the rape but she couldn't. She couldn't shake that sick feeling wouldn't shift and everybody questioned her stitches and how she got that cut.

It was getting harder to tell herself out loud she was okay, she was fine and nothing was wrong when all she wanted to do was scream. Scream that it wasn't okay, it wasn't fine and everything was wrong.

The next five days passed in a familiar pattern. Cassandra arrived at work covered in fresh bruises and cuts and her excuses were always the same — almost identical to the previous day — ("I fell down the stairs. I walked into door. Courtney hit me with a book.")

On day six, after yet another beating (only this time it was a few bruised ribs), she paid twenty pounds to an old school friend of hers. A guy a bit rough around the edges who agreed to beat Billy up, rough him up a bit and hope he'd stop hitting Cassandra as much.

"Unconscious male found collapsed in the high street with a head injury. GCS is six, pulse fifty and blood pressure is seventy over one hundred and ten."

It was only as she stepped closer to the unconscious male that she stopped dead. Swallowing hard she noticed the look Eddie gave her and asked,

"do you know this man?"

"Yeah he's — he's my husband," Eddie told Cassandra to tell Jude that she was wanted in Resus. Cassandra knew she couldn't go anywhere near Billy, she wouldn't be able to stop the guilt from showing, the guilt that she was the one who put him in there.

She'd been in triage a short while when Eddie came to her, "your husband's asking for you?"

"He's awake? Is he okay?"

"A few broken ribs and a wound on his head, other than that he's perfectly fine."

"Does—does he remember anything?" Eddie looked at Cassandra curiously before answering that he couldn't remember anything. Following Eddie to the cubicle he was in, she felt sick in fright. If Billy knew it was her he'd kill her, just like he always said he would.

Closing the curtain around them for privacy, Cassandra and Billy just stared at one another, not saying anything. Billy broke the silence and gestured her to come over to him. She stepped towards him, heart beating furiously and her palms sticky.

It happened too quickly for her to even react. He jumped up, pinned her against the wall, his hands around her throat choking her.

"I know it was you," he smirked as he pressed his face closer to hers, "you fucking stupid bitch."

She couldn't breath. She couldn't fight back, his weight crushing her. There was a jug of water left on the table and she pushed it off, hoping it would alert somebody's attention to her situation.

"Nobody's coming for innocent little Cassandra," with his hand still on her throat, he struck a blow to her stomach, knocking what breath she had out of her. This was it, this really was it. She was going to die.

Cassandra's instinct kicked in. Kicking him in the balls, he let go off her throat. She breathed rapidly for a minute, grateful to receive oxygen again. Punching him twice in the face, she ran out of the cubicle. Mike took one look at her and asked, "are you okay?"

Nodding she replied, "keep that bastard away from me!"

"Wait until tonight you stuck up tart, just you fucking wait."

Calling Rachel over, Mike told her to take Cassandra to the staff room. Judging by the finger marks that were beginning to appear on Cassandra's neck, a serious assault had just taken place on one of the nurses. Mike wasn't to know yet that Cassandra's attacker was her own husband.

* * *

A hot tea with three sugars stood on the table waiting to be drank but she couldn't bring herself too.

Rachel looked at Cassandra's knuckles, cracked and bleeding slightly and said gently, "so you hit him back sometimes?"

Cassandra looked down at her knuckles and smiled slightly, "I took self-defence classes when I was fifteen after I was raped. I can look after myself, it's just — if I hit Billy he'll hit me back twenty times harder so I just leave him to it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Cassandra smiled and picked up the cup of tea Rachel had made, "I got dealt a shit hand of cards, I've just got to learn to do what I can with them."

"How long's the abuse been going on for?"

"You probably really don't want to know," she took a sip of tea and answered back, "About six years, he didn't start hitting me it was control. He slowly made me lose contact with my family, my friends. That's why we moved from London because of my family. It just got worse after that."

Now she was talking, she found herself letting it all out, there was no need to hide it anymore, "I knew bringing children into that kind of relationship was wrong so I began to secretly take the pill but one day he found me taking it, accused me of been a whore and—"

She swallowed, "he raped me and I fell pregnant with Zachary. He continued to rape me after Zachary's birth and that's how we've ended up with two more children. I can handle the physical abuse, the mental abuse too. I just can't," she trailed off not wanting to say anything else.

Mike knocked on the door to the staff room and Rachel opened the door. He whispered, "the police are here, they want a statement."

She nodded and looked at Cassandra who was staring into the distance, mug of tea in her hands. Poor child, she thought, she really hadn't had it easy.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review;3


	5. CHAPTER V

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* * *

**CHAPTER FIVE**  
_like a girl who changes clothes_

* * *

"Cassie the police are here, they'd like a statement." Rachel knelt down to Cassandra's level and smiled softly. She knew it was a big step, for Cassandra to admit out loud that one she'd been abused and two, to make a statement and make it official.

"I'll just finish my tea," she finished her tea and looked down at her hands. She was shaking and Rachel seemed to notice it too, "are you okay?"

"I'm not going to lie Rachel, I'm scared."

"You don't have to be," she squeezed Cassandra's hand reassuringly but it did nothing for Cassandra's nerves. Here she was about to make a statement to the police about the abuse she'd suffered at the hands of her husband, the husband she was leaving after six years of marriage.

"I think I'm ready, well as ready as I'll ever be."

* * *

Cassandra felt emotionally drained when she walked out of Charlie's office, half an hour later.

She'd told the police everything from the first time Billy ever hit her, to the rape to the incident that was reported first. Two officers, both males, headed for the cubicles and a few minutes later came out with Billy who was screaming in protest.

Catching sight of Cassandra, he yelled; "stuck up tart! You'll be sorry when I smash that pretty face in of yours."

"I'm not scared of you anymore Billy, I have to do what's right for the children."

Taking a deep breath as he was led through the doors of A&E, she breathed out. Making eye contact with Matt, she smiled softly and went to walk away before his voice stopped her in her tracks, "Cassie? What was all that about?"

"He's my husband, he's been abusing me for the last six years."

"Really?"

"Yeah but I'm not scared of him anymore, I have to protect my children they're the only ones who matter. I best be off," she smiled at Matt and walked to the staff room. Charlie had advised her to take the rest of the shift off and go home so that's what she planned to do.

Putting on her coat, Cassandra buttoned them up before Rachel walked in, "how did it go?"

"It wasn't easy but," she smiled softly, "I'll be okay."

"Have you got somewhere to stay tonight?"

She made eye contact with Rachel and shook her head. Truthfully she didn't want to go home, it held too many memories for her, "you can stay at mine if you like?"

Hearing Rachel say she could stay at hers, she answered back, "that's entirely up to you. Do you think you can handle three under five's full of energy and E numbers running wild through your house?"

Rachel laughed, "it would be different."

"Thank you," pulling Rachel into a hug she realised she wasn't ever alone, not ever. Billy may have driven her out of her home town, moved her hundreds of miles away from home but this place right here with the people that mattered were her family. And that's all that mattered.

* * *

Cassandra couldn't help but note that Rachel had a nice house when she stepped into the hallway. She'd gone home earlier to fetch an overnight bag with pyjama's, clothes and toys for the children especially Courtney as she got bored easily.

The children sat on the floor in front of the small television although it was only Courtney, the youngster who was paying attention. Rachel liked the noise that filled her house because of the children, it made it a home and not just a place she ate and slept at. A proper home, with a family.

Zachary and Alexis were knelt by the table, colouring into their colouring books, their hands full of ink. Cassandra looked at Rachel and asked; "you never wanted children?"

"It never seemed the right time," she smiled softly, "do you want any more?"

Cassandra nodded. She was always broody and she always told herself she'd have a big family. She could never get enough of the love she felt when her children kissed her, hugged her and told her they love her; "yeah but I don't know how many more! I'd like another boy though."

"What would you call him?"

Cassandra shrugged. She'd never had the choice to choose her children's names. It was always Billy who got the last say. At that very second she saw Courtney tottering near a set of draws that had a vase on top. Courtney banged into it and the vase wobbled, falling off the side.

Jumping out of her seat Cassandra caught the vase before it smashed on the floor, "been a mother taught me you need good reflexes." She couldn't help but laugh as she placed the vase back on the draws and moved Courtney away so it wouldn't fall off the edge again.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Rachel nodded and she disappeared into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Waiting for it to boil, she found herself feeling guilty, wondering how her husband was getting on been interviewed by the police. The kettle hissing broke her out of her thoughts and she poured the boiling water into two cups.

After making the tea, she brought the cups into the living room and placed one in front of Rachel who jumped at the sudden sound.

"You okay?" Rachel nodded and Cassandra sat down beside her, "are you sure? You've been jumpy ever since the Marian incident, not to mention snappy with everyone."

"Sorry," she smiled slightly and picked up the tea. She was going to be truthful ever since she'd been attacked by Marian, she found everything changing. Rachel had become more scared, jumpy at the sound of loud noises and she hated it. She hated her lack of confidence.

"I'm not okay,"

"I didn't think you were."

There was a pause on Rachel's half as she took a sip of her tea, "you pride yourself on been able to deal with anything that comes your way. Only when something like that happens it knocks your confidence, it makes you angry and bitter."

"Rachel," she touched her arm, "Marian was a nutter alright? A proper loon, your only human. She attacked you and its no wonder your worried and your doubting yourself but Rachel, listen lovely, you're amazing and she may have dented your confidence but you're going to come back stronger, trust me."

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	6. CHAPTER VI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SIX  
**_the loner stoner frees his mind_

* * *

Cassandra lay in bed staring at the ceiling as her children lay beside her. It was a squeeze having four people in the single bed but she didn't care, her babies were safe beside her and that's all that mattered.

She'd been staring at the ceiling for the last hour, unable to sleep. There were a few reasons why. The bed wasn't the same as hers, she missed Billy (yes despite everything) and been here, in Rachel's house felt abnormal.

Pulling the duvet off her, she quietly left the bedroom not to disturb the three sleepy heads in her bed. Tip-toeing down the stairs Cassandra found herself colliding with the bannister and rubbed her hip knowing there would be a bruise there in the morning.

Reaching the kitchen she boiled the kettle knowing a cup of tea would sort out her problems, they did at home.

She'd been in the kitchen a short while, lost in her own thoughts when she heard movement behind her. For a moment thinking it was Billy, she turned around and dropped the mug on the floor, shattering it to pieces. Hearing Rachel's voice, Cassandra breathed a sigh of relief;

"Sorry did I make you jump?"

Cassandra nodded her head and bent down to help retrieve the pieces of broken mug, "for a moment I thought you were Billy."

"Sorry!"

"It should be me apologising," Cassandra smiled slightly, "I've been here, what two minutes and I've already smashed one of your mugs."

Putting the broken pieces in the bin Rachel told Cassandra not to worry about it, she didn't like that mug much anyway. There was nothing spoken for a minute until she asked if Rachel wanted a cup of tea.

They sat in the living room, both with their cups of tea in their hands, "I couldn't sleep. I'm missing Billy too much," she made eye contact with Rachel and knew what the older woman was thinking, how could she miss someone who spent six years controlling her?

"You think I'm crazy don't you? How and why do I miss someone who controlled me for so long?" she sighed, "this. Been here with you it doesn't feel right, I feel like I should be at home, lying in bed crying myself to sleep whilst Billy passes out beside me drunk. That's normal and this, this isn't."

"I don't think you're crazy Cas, it's going to take you a while to get things back to normal."

"I know," she smiled gently, "I just wish it was easy."

"It'll get easier I promise," she falls asleep not long after her conversation with Rachel, sucking her thumb like she was five years old again but doesn't sleep for long. She wakes four times in the night, half three, half four, twenty minutes past five and eight minutes past six.

She's dreaming, of Billy and the violence again, over and over, replaying everything in her mind. Emotionally she's drained, exhausted and she isn't sure she can do it anymore, going back to Billy seems to be her only option for her sanity's sake.

"Did you sleep well?"

The children are sat round the table, all eating their toast with lots of jam. Cassandra's fiddling with a slice of toast and answers, "not really."

"Any reason?"

"Billy," she smiles sadly but doesn't elaborate. After breakfast she gets the children ready for school and nursery, Zachary the first to get ready because he didn't need any help whereas the other two weren't as independent yet. Getting herself ready for work, she hoped it would be better when she moved back home.

But it didn't. Even in her own bed within her own house and in her own routine, she still couldn't sleep. Soon it was six days without a decent night sleep and it was beginning to effect her job. She couldn't concentrate, all she wanted was too sleep, why was it so hard?

It comes to a head when she almost overdoses a six year old boy with a head injury, a mistake that she should never have made. She's about to administrate the medicine before she realises her error, drops the needle on the floor, "shit. I—I—."

She runs out of Resus and into the staff room, afraid of the consequences of her actions, though she was fortunate to discover her error before anything serious happened. Kate finds her in the corner of the staff room, knees tucked under her chin.

"Cassie, what happened?"

"I—I almost overdosed him, that little boy." She swallowed hard as she continued, "I, I've never made a mistake like that, ever."

She chewed her lower lip. Cassandra knew it was because she was tired, mistakes were bound to be made when you'd hardly slept for seven days. Kate sat down beside her and knew there was something troubling her. Cassandra was a good nurse and recently she'd made mistakes, silly things that shouldn't have happened.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Yesterday," there was a pause, "properly? Your talking a week ago."

"Cassie!" Kate was shocked, she didn't expect Cassandra not to have slept properly for a week, a day or so yes but not a week; "you can't work on no sleep. Especially not running around after your three all day."

"Don't you think I know that," the comment came across a bit short and Cassandra made eye contact with Kate, knowing the older woman was only trying to help her, "sorry that was uncalled for. I'm just—I'm exhausted Kate, I just want to go to sleep."

"Have you been to your GP?"

"No," she sighed, "but of course I will, I have too don't I?"

"Yeah you do. Cassie, why don't you go home? I'll tell Charlie."

"No," Cassandra's eyes were wide, "please don't tell Charlie anything, this stays between me and you okay? Please Kate, please don't tell Charlie, promise."

Reluctantly she promised not to mention anything to Charlie though she'd soon wish she had. But that was the problem with Kate, she kept far too many of Cassandra's promises to protect her.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	7. CHAPTER VII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SEVEN**  
_turn me on girl, turn me on._

* * *

Cassandra saw her GP who diagnosed insomnia and prescribed the sleeping tablet Loprazolam.

She didn't want to rely on sleeping tablets for sleep but she also knew she couldn't go on the way she was, not sleeping was beginning to effect her relationship with her children and her work. And without work, how could she afford the rent and the bills?

The first night she takes one tablets and to surprise doesn't fall asleep. She lays staring at the ceiling like she'd done for the last seven days until slowly, her eyes begin to close and she falls into a deep sleep.

* * *

_The white walls weren't white anymore, they were splashed red._

_Cassandra didn't know why Billy had changed the décor, he didn't like the colour red. She walked up the stairs, the floor now covered in red as well as the walls. She followed it to the children's bedroom._

_She pushed open the door, the plaque on the door wonky and as she steps into the room, she screams at the sight._

_Three children, her three children, lying in bed, in blood, dead._

_She screams and Billy grabs her from behind, "welcome home baby."_

_He's covered in blood and he throws her to the floor and rapes her, over and over. She begs him to stop but __he ignores her and presses his lips against hers as she struggles underneath his body weight. He smiled as he pressed his hands against her throat, squeezing her tightly. She choked to death, slowly and painfully._

_The last thing she saw was the devil in his eyes._

* * *

She screams as she sits up in bed, tears staining her cheeks, the duvet around her body tightly. Her breathing's erratic and she finds herself struggling to breathe even though she's repeating over and over again that its a nightmare and Billy can't get to her.

Cassandra stumbles out of bed, heading towards the children's bedroom, having to know they're safe. She's relieved to find all three sleeping peacefully and decides the only way she can keep them safe (and her own sanity,) is to sleep with them.

She puts a chair in front of the door and sits by it, staying awake the entire night just in case anything bad happens.

She's sick four times in the bathroom before her children wake, her anxiety getting the better of her. She knows it's only a matter of time before Billy escapes custody and comes back to kill them, only a matter of time and sooner than she thinks.

Cassandra's in the kitchen when she hears footsteps behind her. Turning around quickly, she drops the mug when her eyes fall upon the one person she doesn't expect to see, ever again. She backs into the counter, her breathing increasing.

"B—Billy?"

"Hello darling," he smiles like nothing's happened and plants a kiss on her forehead. He senses she's nervous and laughs, "why are you so nervous?"

"I, I didn't expect you to be back."

"I got bail," he bares his teeth, "where are the children?"

She takes a deep breath, "they're sleeping, you won't disturb them will you Billy?"

"Of course not babe," she turned back around to finish doing what she was doing when he grabbed her from behind. Snaking his arms around her waist, he sucked on her neck as she tried to squirm her way out of him, "what's wrong? Found someone else to fuck? I knew you were, you slag."

He slapped her across the face and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Getting hold of the knife, she held it in front of her, "step any closer and I'll kill you."

"You wouldn't dare, you've never had the fucking balls too."

She knew, truly honestly that she'd never be free from Billy's clutches. He'd always be there, watching her, scaring her in her dreams. He was always going to have a hold over her life, influence her and the only way to be free was if one of them was to die. And it couldn't be her, the children needed her.

"Watch me."

"Go on, see you can't do it." He laughed until he felt sharp hit him. Looking down, he noticed a wound where she'd hit him with the knife, "you bi—" he began but she stabbed him again and didn't stop. Cassandra only stopped thrusting the knife at him when he was on the floor, surrounded by blood, gasping for breath.

"I—I—love, you." he gasped and then nothing, just silence.

Billy was dead and Cassandra had just killed him, she'd murdered her husband.

* * *

Blood, too much blood.

She dropped the knife on the floor, the clang of the metal against the floor breaking the silence for a moment. Cassandra stepped into the hallway and picked up the phone, dialled 999 and pressed the phone to her ear as it rang.

"999 what's your emergency?"

"Police please," there was a pause, "my husband, he's dead. I killed him."

She sat on the bottom stairs, hoping the children couldn't wake up and come downstairs to the horror that waited. Cassandra wanted to protect her children. Hearing the sirens in the distance she braced herself for when they arrived, she knew she'd be arrested, she'd killed her husband.

The police arrived at the house, not sure what to expect. They'd heard over the radio a murder had taken place but every murder was different. Plus the address was well known for its domestics, police round once or twice a day warning them over the noise.

Both officers, one male and one female stepped into the house. Seeing Cassandra on the bottom step they asked, "Cassandra Willis?"

"Yes that's me," she stood up and put her wrists together, "my children are upstairs asleep. I want you to take to Kate Wilson, her address is by the telephone. Please, will you do that for me after I'm gone?"

The female officer nodded and radioed through for another unit.

"Cassandra Willis," the male put the handcuffs on, "I'm arresting you on the murder of Billy Willis. You do not have to say anything but it will harm your defence, if you do not mention, when questioned, something you later rely on in court."

She nodded. Looking at the police officer she asked; "can we leave now? Before the children wake."

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHT**  
_waiting all night for you, waiting._

* * *

Kate's woken up at three minutes past six by a gentle knock on the door. She can't help but wonder who it would be at this time of the morning, wraps the dressing gown around her and goes downstairs.

Unlocking the front door, she's shocked to find a female police officer and three children, who she recognises as Cassandra's children on her doorstep. Kate felt sick in the pit of her stomach as she, "is everything okay?"

"There's been an incident, can we come in?"

She nods but finds herself thinking the worst. Was Cassandra dead? The policewoman leaves the three children in the living room and disappears into the kitchen. Kate just stands there, unsure of what to do. She bit her lower lip as the policewoman said;

"Cassandra's been arrested for murder, her husband was found with multiple stab wounds in the kitchen."

She nods. She always knew one of these days she'd get a phone call informing her one of them were dead. She always thought it would be Cassandra because she was the weaker one of the two, it never crossed her mind that Cassandra could defend herself.

"Is she okay?"

"She'll be seen by the duty doctor before she's interviewed."

"Has she said anything?"

The policewoman shook her head, "only that her children should be taken to yourself. If that's a problem I can arrange temporary foster care—"

"No," even Kate's outburst surprised her, "if that's what Cassie wanted, I'll respect it."

Kate didn't know how this had happened, Cassandra was meant to have left Billy, had been for a week. She could only presume that Cassandra had taken him back for it to have ended like this. The children the real victims of their parents violence.

* * *

The news of Cassandra's arrest spreads through the hospital like wildfire when Charlie was informed first thing. He called a staff meeting, aware that most people would've heard it already. Gossip spread easily in small towns like Holby.

"Anyone know what this is about?" Adam asked as they stood in the staff room.

Jude shook her head, "I haven't got a clue."

As Charlie walked in, silence descended on the room and he closed the door. He wasn't too sure how to break the news about Cassandra, they were her family and her friends, the ones who mattered most in her life.

"I don't know how to tell you all this but," he paused and looked around the room, concern etched onto everybody's face, "Cassie was arrested this morning."

"What?!" The team couldn't believe it, Cassandra would never do anything so why had she been arrested?

"What for?" The question comes from Jude and all the team nod in agreement, they too waiting to know why Cassandra had been arrested. They knew she had trouble at home, with her husband but they never thought it would be something as big as what Charlie said next.

"Billy was found dead," Rachel bit her lower lip hard, "and the children?"

"They're with Kate, she's looking after them and they're perfectly fine."

Rachel was wondering if it was really possible after all these years for somebody to snap and kill their husband? The rest of the shift passed in slow motion for them all, Jude and Matt stood in the corner wondering why she'd done it. Adam and Ash were wondering how she was holding up, away from her children whereas Rachel, Eddie and Charlie were silent, wondering if there was anything they could've done to prevent it from happening.

* * *

The duty doctor examined her an hour or so after her arrest for murder. She hated it, she felt violated as the doctor took swabs and photographs of her injuries, the fresh bite marks and bruises, cuts and scratches that covered her body.

Taken back to her cell in a blue overall, she sat with her knees under her chin as the door banged closed behind her.

"There's no question about it, she's been abused. Apparently there's evidence of new injuries on top of the old ones, not to forget rape and sexual assault."

"So you're buying she did it in self-defence?"

"Look at her, does she look like someone who'd take a knife to someone and stab them for no reason? She was defending herself against a bully, that bully was the man she loved."

"Come off it Shaz, she killed him, end of story. Bang her up and throw away the key," the officer sighed and looked back at the cell Cassandra was in. It didn't feel right. There were too many questions, "listen why after all these years would she kill him? And why the fucking hell didn't we protect her?"

The male policeman sighed and shook his head. Women, when they'd got their teeth into something, they wouldn't let go. A bit like a dog with a bone they were. Following her down the corridor, he sighed deeply and felt a headache coming on. Females, a pain in the arse they were.

Cassandra rocks backwards and forwards in her cell, goose-bumps appearing up her arms and legs because its absolutely freezing! She can hear the man a few cells down screaming at the top of his voice that he's innocent and doesn't deserve to be locked up like a criminal.

She found herself wanting to go home, to the children and to Billy and the abuse.

She didn't like been in this cell and she wasn't sure how she was going to cope in prison where it was ten times worse. The door unlocks and a male steps into the cell, her solicitor who takes one look at Cassandra and asks,

"I want you to tell me exactly what happened."

She tells him everything. How she believed Billy had been watching her for a week, coming into her house and watching her and the children sleeping. How on the night of his death he'd crept into her house and hit her hard across the face.

Cassandra remembers picking up the knife and him taunting her, saying she'd never do it, she didn't have the balls too. She remembers stabbing him over and over until he was dead, on the floor, pouring with blood.

"I want you to say-" her solicitor begins but she shakes her head. She doesn't want to lie or sugar coat the truth. All she wants to do is sit in front of the police officers and tell them exactly what happened and why. Lying wasn't going to get her out of this situation, it was too messy.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	9. CHAPTER IX

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER NINE**  
_they said you wouldn't make it_

* * *

Cassandra feels sick as she walks into the interview room with her solicitor by her side and sits down on the cold hard seat. She places her hands palm down on the table and watches as the two police officers walk into the room. Sitting in front of her, one of them turns on the tape;

"What happened between you and Billy?"

"We had an argument and he slapped me across the face and I picked up the knife," she clenched her fist and closed her eyes, her mind replaying what happened, "he laughed at me, he told me I wouldn't do it and I did. I stab him until he was dead."

"How many times did you stab him?" the question was asked by the female detective and Cassandra opened her eyes and looked at the detective. She swallowed hard and shrugged her shoulders, "How many times did you stab him?"

Cassandra closed her eyes and remembered, "two times in his stomach."

"Then what happened?"

"I placed the knife next to the body and then I phoned you guys, waiting on the bottom step."

"Did you do anything else?"

"Nothing," she shook her head and neither of the detective's answered. The male leant over and switched off the tape. Cassandra made eye contact with her solicitor who too looked just as long, not sure what was happening. As far as her solicitor was concerned, it was a clear cut confession for murder.

* * *

All the detective's were sat in the incident room waiting for the chief for the briefing. They too, all thought it was a clear case, abused wife finally snaps and kills husband but they were in for a surprise, a big surprise.

"We've got the lab report back," the chief said as silence filled the incident room, "I think you'll find it makes interesting reading."

Their case had been thrown into an entirely new direction, one that none of them had expected; "Mrs Willis did not kill her husband, according to the lab report Mr Willis died from a myocardial infarcation — a heart attack as we know it. The stab wounds Mrs Willis inflicated during the heart attack weren't deep enough to do any real damage, superficial the pathologist says."

The team sighed, "so what do we do now?"

"What we should've done from the start, let her go and be with her children."

And thats what happens. She's released without charge and informed that she didn't kill her husband, he died from a heart attack. Cassandra doesn't think its real when she steps outside into the outside world after been locked in a cell for several hours.

She looks down at her hands still seeing the blood, his blood and she feels it about to rain, a raindrop falling onto her shoulder. Cassandra likes the rain, she finds it comforting when she's not in the right frame of mind, takes away her anxiety.

She began to walk away from the station towards the hospital. She doesn't know why she goes there and not home (any normal person would go home right?) She realises the entire time she's walking she's free. She no longer has to look over her shoulder to see if her husband's following her and she realises she doesn't have to do it ever again.

This is what freedom looked and felt like. By the time she reached the hospital half an hour or so since she was released, her hair was stuck to her face and her clothes were soaked to her skin. Walking into the department, she noticed everybody stopped and stared.

Rachel stepped towards her, "Cassie?"

She bursts into tears at the very second, "I didn't kill him Rachel, I didn't kill Billy."

* * *

She's becoming far too addicted to the tea with four teaspoons of sugar (helps with shock apparently) and Cassandra's aware of how many cups of this sort of tea she's had in a few months.

Rachel's sat beside her and Cassandra snuggled into the blanket she found, shivering because she's absolutely freezing. There's nothing but silence between the two of them and she's grateful that Rachel isn't bombarding her with questions over what happened. She knows Cassandra will speak when she's ready too.

There's a knock on the staff room door and Charlie enters the room. He looks between Rachel and Cassandra and Rachel stands up, telling Cassandra she will be back in a few minutes. Charlie sits down next to Cassandra and again there's nothing spoken, Cassandra's convinced their attitude to her will of changed now they all knew she was a battered wife (before it was all speculation)

"Oh Charlie," she whispers and starts to cry again, "I, I thought I'd killed him."

"Sssh," he whispered back and rubbed her lower back, aware of the wet patch growing bigger on his chest. She takes another sip of her tea as she says to Charlie about the children, did they go to Kate as she asked. He tells her they did and she breathes a sigh of relief, lost in thought about how she was going to inform her children that daddy was dead and never coming home.

Cassandra's been in the hospital for an hour when Kate brings the children in. They run up to her and clamber on her, telling her how much they've missed her and they were scared because the police were in their house.

She feels a lump in the back of her throat as she looks at Kate, "thank you so much."

"You're welcome," Kate sat down beside her, "how are you feeling?"

"I don't know Kate, I really don't know how to feel. Afraid, free, happy, sad, guilty." She wrapped her arms around Kate and hugged her tightly. It was only after she'd done so, she realised her clothes were soaking and then apologised.

"Where's daddy?" the question comes from Alexis and Cassandra sighed. Kate stood up and left the room, leaving Cassandra to break the news to her children, alone. She hugged them tightly again and explained where daddy was (thought Courtney was too young to understand)

"Daddy was poorly and he fell asleep and went to a place called heaven," the children begin to cry but they don't really understand that their daddy is dead. She kisses the top of their heads as they snuggle into their mummy not really understanding the concept of death.

* * *

"Is she okay?" Jude asked Rachel, none of them could focus on the job in head too busy wondering about Cassandra.

"She's holding up," there was a pause, "Kate just said she had to tell the children."

Jude sighed. She couldn't imagine been in Cassandra's situation, there was only a year or two between them both and Cassandra had been through a heck of a lot in a short space of time.

"Do you think she'll ever get over this?"

"I don't know Jude, I just know she's going to need a lot of support."

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	10. CHAPTER X

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN**  
_take my hand we'll make it i swear_

* * *

She doesn't ever want to set foot in _that_ house again but she knows she has too. It's _her_ home that she shares with her children but it's the house her husband beat, raped and abused her in. The same house he died in.

She unlocks the door and walks inside, her heart beating furiously in her chest.

The children are at school, she sent them to school because she wanted some sort of normality left in their life. She's decided that the five hours she has that the children are at school, she's going to pack up her stuff and leave.

She doesn't want to leave Holby, she just wants to leave this house and the memories it holds so she can be free once again. Cassandra starts off in the living room, opening the cabinet and taking out the photograph albums.

Cassandra remembered making the biggest deal about photographs, how she wanted memories about everything they'd done, the photographs of the children etc. Now she knew the photographs were the only memories her children were going to have off their father.

She placed the items delicately into the cardboard box knowing there wasn't much in the living room she'd take. The photgraphs, the glass vase that belonged to her mother and the videos. In the kitchen she ended up with another box filled with cups, plates, bowls and the other essentials needed for when they moved into their new house, (which she didn't know when but wanted to be as soon as possible)

The children's bedrooms were next and Cassandra ended up using nine boxes for all three children. One box contained their clothes, another their toys and finally their books. By the time she'd finished her own bedroom just after lunchtime, she found the entire house covered in boxes.

After eating half a sandwich, Cassandra got out the newspaper and began to look at rooms available to let. She needed something as soon as possible and cheap for the minute until she could upgrade and give her children a better home and life.

Finding nothing she sighed deeply and went back to packing, knowing she needed somewhere to call home, and soon.

* * *

A few days later, once again when the children were in school, Cassandra was busy looking through the newspaper trying to find a house to rent. She ran a hand through her hair tucking on the dead ends, biting the end of the pen in her mouth. Breathing in deeply, she was startled by the knock on the front door.

Looking to the clock wondering who it was, Cassandra chewed her lower lip put down the newspaper and walked to the front door. Opening the door, she was surprised to find her solicitor on the doorstep.

"Is everything okay?"

"Can I come in?" Cassandra nodded and opened the door wider allowing the solicitor to come in. She closed the door behind her and walked into the living room where he was making himself at home.

He raised his eyebrows at the cardboard boxes but didn't say a word. Instead he placed his brief-case on the table and opened it, taking out a series of letters. She swallowed, not knowing what was happening or why he was here. Their last meeting had been at the police station.

"Were you aware that your husband had life insurance?"

Sitting on the edge of the chair Cassandra shook her head, "No I wasn't aware, why?"

"You are Billy's next of kin therefore the life insurance policy goes to you."

Cassandra was silent for a moment. She was trying to get her head around what he was saying. Billy had life insurance which she never knew anything about, a life insurance that could help her out in these tough times she found herself in.

"Are you telling me Billy left me some money?"

"A substanial amount actually," the solicitor paused, "fifty thousand."

Cassandra swallowed and her eyes widened when she heard the figure. Fifty thousand? She shook her head, how could Billy have had fifty thousand, he'd never earnt that much in his entire life.

"Say that again, fifty thousand and it's all mine?"

"Fifty thousand and it's all yours," she ran a hand through her hair once again tucking on the end of her hair. She wondered if this was the answer to her prayers. Her and the children's lives keep getting better, "if you just sign there, it's all yours."

* * *

"Rachel, I think you need to come over and pinch me," she whispered down the phone to one of her best friends. Rachel was confused, it was eleven in the evening and Cassandra had randomly phoned her up, not making much sense at all.

_"Are you drunk?"_

"How dare you—yes, how did you guess?"

_"You're not making much sense,"_ there was a pause and next minute Rachel asked; _"why do you want me to come over and pinch you?"_

"Billy," she paused herself and swirled her glass of red wine in her hand. She took a small sip before answering, "Billy had life insurance, he's left me and the children—"

Cassandra giggled to herself and hiccuped, "fifty thousand."

_"What? Cassie where are you?"_

She hiccuped again, "home. Why? Look I'm fine, just a little drunk but I'll sleep it off by tomorrow."

"_Do you need me to come over?" _Cassandra shook her head but upon realising Rachel couldn't see her laughed loudly to the point her stomach was beginning to ache, "no Rachel, I'm fine." As she stood up, she stumbled and Rachel could hear the sound of crashing on the other end of the phone.

Rolling her eyes she said; "_did you just fall into something?"_

"Yes," she laughed again, "Rachel I'm rich, I'm very, very rich."

"_I think you should go to sleep Cassie,"_ there was a pause and Cassandra whispered down the phone, "I'm rich and rich people don't sleep. I'm going to sleep now, if I can get up the stairs that is."

As Cassandra walked up the stairs, all Rachel could hear on the other end was banging, stumbling and swearing before it went quiet. For a moment Rachel waited but when she still couldn't hear anything she called out, _"Cassie?"_

Rachel laughed when she heard the sound of soft snoring on the other end of the phone. Disconnecting the call, Rachel put the phone on the bedside table and went back to sleep, a smile on her face over Cassandra's drunken antics and rambling.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review:3


	11. CHAPTER XI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**  
_trying to get the girl all the bad guys want_

* * *

Eddie laughed at the sight of Cassandra as she stepped into the department the morning after. Usually bright as a button with loads of energy, she walked in wrapped up in a hoody and her pyjama bottoms, last night's makeup smeared under her eyes and her hair resting on her shoulders naturally wavy,

"Good night was it?"

Cassandra rolled her eyes and turned to Eddie, "please lets not go there."

"That bad?"

She nodded her head and answered, "that bad."

Walking into the staff room, she took off her hoody and changed into her nurse's outfit, relieved that she had actually left one here. She didn't fancy walking back and been late for work, punctuality was everything to her.

Reapplying her makeup and making herself seem more presentable, Cassandra tied her hair back in a ponytail with an elastic band and walked out, "so where did you go?" Eddie asked when she saw her walking towards her.

"That's the point, _I_ didn't go anywhere," she laughed and told Eddie the story of her eventful night (though she missed the getting fifty thousand of Billy) her bottle of red wine on an empty stomach and her drunken phone call to Rachel.

"I don't think I can look her in the eye," she stated and laughed.

Eddie answered, "Rachel already informed us of a particular drunk phone call. She informed us you may be a little worse for wear."

"Narr, I'm right as rain me. Two paracetamols and a jam butty and I'm sorted," she smiled before she asked Eddie if she wanted to go out for new year, "we'll get Jude out and a few others, how about Charlie?"

They laughed at the idea of Charlie clubbing like he was a youngster before they decided to get some work to do. As much as they enjoyed it, they weren't paid to stand around talking.

* * *

Cassandra came face to face with Rachel during the middle of the shift. She didn't really know what to say or how to apologise about last night. She was always one to do stupid things, the one to make drunken phone calls.

"Rachel," she smiled slightly, "I'm so sorry about last night."

"Don't worry about it, I don't even know what you were saying."

"You don't?" Rachel shook her head, it had been a number of years since she ever had to translate a drunken phone call, something now she couldn't do now. Cassandra wondered if she should tell her about Billy's life insurance but decided against it, what if she'd judge her because she'd taken his money despite hating him?

She had to admit though she wasn't doing it for herself, she was doing it to create a better life for her children after everything they'd been through. Biting her lower lip, she apologised once again.

"Oh, I do remember something you said."

"You do?"

Rachel nodded, "you kept repeating that you were rich. I left you to it, thought you'd had a bang to the head or something."

"That's the point I was trying to make over the phone," she swallowed, "Billy had life insurance which I didn't know about. Fifty thousand he left the children, fifty! I'm rich Rachel and I don't know what the bloody hell to do with it!"

There was a pause and Rachel looked, making sure she still wasn't pissed. Realising she wasn't joking Rachel answered; "bloody hell, it's true then?"

"Yes." Cassandra looked at Rachel and answered back, "ties me over for Christmas but, Jesus I don't know what the hell to do. Open a trust fund for the children, buy a house? Go and get completely smashed outta my face. Rachel, what do I do?"

"Whatever you want too, its your money."

"It's Billy's money, not mine."

"But he's dead so he won't miss it right?" She looked at Rachel curiously wondering what she was up too, or what she was planning. Rachel noticed the funny look Cassandra gave her and said gently, "do what you want to do. It's your money and you're free to do what you want to do. You said you wanted to move out of your house, buy a new house."

Rachel left Cassandra to take on board when she had said. Cassandra wondered if it was possible, to just do what she wanted with the money Billy had left. Rachel was right, he was dead and he wasn't going to miss it. It was hers now, she could do what she wanted.

She took Rachel's advice, brought a house in the middle of Holby and moved in a three weeks before Christmas. Her new house was a lot more lovely than the house that she shared with Billy.

It had three bedrooms, a large living room, kitchen and seperate dining room. Plus the essential bathroom and toilet. It was very modern looking, white and the moment Cassandra looked around with the estate agent, fell in love with it. Her children fell in love with the house too and that's why she decided to move in as soon as possible (before someone else fell in love with it too)

It was closer to the children's school and nursery so they didn't have to be unsettled and it meant Cassandra got home from the hospital at an early time then when she lived on the other side with Billy. When she wasn't working, she spent every minute of every day decorating wanting the house to be perfect. This was their new start and it had to be just that, perfect.

Though it was exhausting, it was worth it when she saw the children's faces, every time they came home from school and noticed something different about their bedrooms. Cassandra decided that the children were to occupy the upstairs bedrooms while Cassandra slept downstairs in the dining room.

It wasn't ideal but she also knew the importance of the children having their own space and becoming independent. Courtney, almost three was still sleeping with her mother and it was beginning to impact on her development and Cassandra didn't want that to happen.

* * *

"How's the house coming along?" It's a week before Christmas and Cassandra's house is almost finished (her bedroom and the living room are the only two rooms that need decorating) and she's proud of her little house, the one she's created on her own.

"Yeah it's almost finished thanks," she smiled, "sometime in the new year I'm thinking of finishing the rest but the children's rooms are finished and that's the most important thing."

"Looking forward to Christmas?" She looked at Jude and nodded. Despite it been the first christmas without Billy, she was determined to make it brilliant for the children, they deserved that much after all they'd been through.

"Yeah, you?" Jude shot a look at Cassandra and laughed. She was throwing an anti-Christmas at hers the day after the works do and she was inviting as many people as possible. Cassandra had agreed to go but only because she'd never been to an anti-Christmas party before. Now all she needed was a babysitter for both days and somebody fast, they were both only a couple of days away.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	12. CHAPTER XII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TWELVE**  
_i'll be okay as long as i've got you_

* * *

Christmas came around too quickly for Cassandra's liking.

She spent Christmas Eve on her own, wrapping the christmas presents. She'd forgotten how many she'd brought for each child, wanting this year to be their best Christmas, a moutain of presents stacked underneath the christmas tree and halfway in the living room.

It was four Christmas day when she finished the entire wrapping up presents and she knew it would be pointless to sleep, her rather excited children would probably wake her up in an hour or two, shouting that Santa had been!

She lay on the bed and fell asleep anyway, sleeping for an hour until she felt three figures jump on her.

"Mummy santa's been, santa's been, get up mummy!"

She opened her eyes and looked at her three children, Zachary, Alexis and Courtney and sighed. Kissing all three of them, she looked at the clock and realised it was only five minutes past five.

"Please can we sleep for a bit?"

"No mummy," Zachary and Alexis grabbed hold of both her arms as Courtney told her she wasn't aloud to sleep, Santa had been and it was now Christmas! Reluctantly leaving her bed, Cassandra stood up and was dragged into the living room. Turning on the living room light, she gasped at the sight of the presents everywhere, "oh wow, who's been?"

"SANTA!" They rushed over to the presents and began to look for the one with their names (except Courtney who thought every present was her own) She sat on the floor with the children and began to help them find their presents.

She handed one to Courtney who giggled and tore off the wrapping paper. It wasn't long before her entire living room was covered in wrapping paper and toys that the children wanted building so they could play with them.

She was lucky to have three wonderful children that loved her to pieces despite her faults.

* * *

Taking a deep breath, Cassandra typed in a familiar number and pressed the phone to her ear as she listened to it ring, hoping the person on the other end with answer.

"Hello?" Hearing the person's voice, she said gently, "mum, it's me Cassie."

The phone was quiet on the other end and she thought she'd blown it. She hadn't spoken to her mother in six years because of Billy's abuse and now she was free, she wanted to get back in contact with her family, the ones she'd missed six years off.

_"Cassandra, is that really you?"_

"Yes mother," she could hear her mother burst into tears on the other end of the phone and she found a lump in the back of her throat. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she whispered; "I just wanted to wish you merry christmas."

_"After all this time? Oh my darling,_" she swallowed as she listened to her mother, _"I don't want to get you into trouble with your husband, you must go darling. I'll ring you when—"_

"Mum, he's dead, Billy's dead. It's just me and the children now, I want to come back home. I want to come and visit you." She wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face, "I'm so sorry that I've been a rubbish daughter."

_"Sssh my darling it's Christmas, stop crying and be happy."_

She couldn't help the tears that were rolling down her cheeks, they were happy tears. She was back in contact with her mother and Cassandra would never have to worry about Billy finding out (he hated her family and she hated his)

They agreed to talk, tomorrow morning after nine though Cassandra explained that she may be at work though she'd call back.

_"Work on boxing day?"_

"No rest for us nurses I'm afraid mother," there was a pause down the phone and Cassandra watched as her children played happily with their new toys off Santa, "mother?"

_"Oh, I hadn't realise you'd qualified. I thought after Billy—"_

"I never gave it up mother, no man would make me give up nursing. I took time off after my children, two years but I'm working at Holby General in their a&e department. I really enjoy it."

_"Is that where you and the children are living now?"_

She nodded, "Holby yes. A small town, not too much going on. I have the most amazing friends, I really can't fault them. I mean, before Billy died, the abuse-I don't even want to go there, not on christmas day."

_"I love you sweetie."_

"I love you too mother, happy christmas."

* * *

Cassandra and her mother agreed to meet the first weekend of the new year. The whole family were going to come and visit, (mother, father, two brothers, two sisters) and Cassandra felt sick with nerves, they had never met the children because of Billy.

Her mother had been surprised when her eldest daughter and child came home from school and announced at sixteen she was going to be a Nurse. Nursing wasn't something that ran in the family but something Cassandra was adament she was going to do, something she did do.

Her father was strict growing up, giving Cassandra rules that she had to follow otherwise she'd be grounded for a fortnight. She remembered when time when she arrived home past midnight, stinking of cheap cigarette and tabacco and her father hitting the roof. She was a daddy's girl growing up.

Her older brother Daniel, head of the family at twenty-one was over-protective too. It was great when they'd been at school, nobody messed with you if you were related to Cassandra Adams, that girl had a mean punch and wasn't afraid to use it. He'd become a fitness trainer not long after leaving school at sixteen, moved further away from London and became engaged to a girl from the local estate only last month (according to her mother)

The oldest of her sister's Daisy was nice but dim. A girl with a wild streak of dying her hair various colours, studying a degree in fine art; her and Cassandra weren't exactly close when they were growing up. Daisy hated Cassandra and Cassandra hated Daisy. But despite hating each other, they were both lost without each other, even if they wouldn't admit it.

The younger two, fifteen year old Harley and thirteen year old Gabriella couldn't be more different if they tried. One interested in history and the other with a rebellious streak (and a soft spot for science), they played each other against the affections of their parents. Their parents remaining oblivious to it all.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	13. CHAPTER XIII

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**  
_we're never going to do those things_

* * *

Cassandra managed to find a babysitter last minute for New Year who just happened to be a friend of Jude's who needed the extra money. Cassandra agreed to double the woman's rate seeing, she found it perculiar getting ready in an empty house so she had a bottle of wine to steady her nerves.

She put on her favourite little black dress, one she hadn't worn in a while because Billy always said it was never appropriate. He hated that dress and it felt good to wear it, knowing he wasn't around to control her anymore. Finishing her outfit with her red heels, minimal makeup and her hair on her shoulders, she rang the taxi to take her to Holby where they were all meeting.

There were quite a few people who'd agreed to come out for new year. Adam, Matt, Charlie, Ash, Liz, Jude, Eddie and Rachel. She'd asked the others but Kate had made other arrangements as had Josh and Mike. Having another cheeky glass of red as she waited for the taxi, she couldn't wait to start partying.

Waiting outside accident and emergency, Cassandra couldn't help but feel exposed in her little black dress, the cold now beginning to get to her. Matt was the first person to meet her, "you look nice."

"Not too bad yourself," she smiled and ran a hand through her hair. Eventually the girls joined her. Eddie had new braids in her hair, Jude and Liz were been a little boring and wearing jeans and Rachel had decided to be daring in a little red dress (which made Cassandra feel better about her own outfit choice)

"Charlie said him and Ash will meet us at the pub," everybody nodded in agreement and began to make their way to town.

Cassandra laughed when she realised somebody was missing and said, "wait a sec, where's Adam?"

Matt shrugged and she sighed. It was typical for one of them to drop out last minute. Just as she was to suggest about ringing Adam to find out where he was, he came rushing out of the department apologising about been late because he'd been on the phone to Emma his ex wife. They began to walk to town, all of them having a conversation.

The first pub they arrived in, the closest, was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday Evening (and new years eve) Charlie and Ash were stood at the bar waiting for them to join them and Cassandra hugged both of them when she saw them, "look who we've found! What you having?"

Ash smiled, "I'll buy this round, what's everyone having?"

Cassandra decided to start the night of on a single vodka and lemonade, a deadly combination after her bottle of wine (they say never to mix your drinks) and took a sip. She sat in the corner, legs crossed attempting to keep some dignity because of the length of her skirt.

It wasn't long before it descended into a pub crawl and by the fourth pub, Cassandra was feeling the effects of the alcohol. She wasn't the only one, Charlie was slightly wobbly on his feet, Adam could barely string a sentence together and Matt kept disappearing to the toilet every five minutes. The others were relieved they weren't too drunk knowing certain people would need help later on in the evening to return home, if they remembered their address that was.

They found themselves heading to a club by the riverbank, Bar One. Inside it was heaving and Cassandra found herself stumbling to the bar closely followed by Rachel, "is this such a good idea Cas?"

"Yes," ordering two tequila shots and two double vodka's and lemonades, she passed the shot to Rachel and told her to get that down her neck and stop moaning. Counting backwards from three, they necked the shot and ordered another seven to take over to the group.

"For you from me."

"Where's yours and Rachel's?"

"We had ours at the bar didn't we Rachel?" She laughed as they all reached for a shot, "on the count of three - one, two, three." They all necked back their shot and she yelled woop woop before dragging them all to the dancefloor to have a dance.

She was happy, the happiest she'd ever been since Billy died.

"Tell it to my heart, tell me I'm the only oneeeeee," she yelled at the top of her voice until she felt Eddie touch her arm. Looking at Eddie, she frowned until she told her she'd caught the attention of a young man.

"Tell me one thing is he fit?"

Eddie pulled a face and answered that she suppose so. Cassandra disappeared after that and Eddie sighed and joined Ash at the table who was quiet. It wasn't surprising considering everything that had happened recently. Rachel came back to the table and asked,

"Where's Cassie?"

Eddie laughed, "I left her with some guy she'd pulled."

Cassandra came back a short while later when everybody was at the table. She was extremely drunk and she said, "come on guys, dance!" When nobody wanted to dance, she grabbed Rachel's arms and mithered; "please, pretty please come and dance with me Rach!"

Reluctantly Rachel agreed although she felt sick and the soles of her feet were hurting. As they were dancing Cassandra asked, "so you and Mike? How long?"

"What?"

"You and Mike, how long have you been together?"

Rachel looked at Cassandra and wondered how she knew anything, they were careful not to be seen leaving together in case people spoke, "how do you know?"

"Secrets don't last forever Rach," she laughed and continued, "I saw you leave at the work's do. I always knew you'd hook up, everyone saw it before you two did."

"Does everyone know?"

"Relax," she smiled, "I haven't told anyone and I doubt anyone knows either. Wait there, I need a wee." Cassandra disappeared into the bathroom but when she still hadn't returned after five minutes, Rachel began to get a little worried. Walking into the bathroom, she shouted out,

"Cassie are you in here?"

"End one," she heard Cassandra answer before throwing up. She threw up twice and Rachel had a feeling it wasn't just alcohol that was making her throw up. Cassandra found herself shaking, wanting to go to sleep but she knew she couldn't, not with this drug inside of her.

"Cassie?"

"Hmm." She paused, "have you taken something other than alcohol?"

Cassandra paused and Rachel heard the toilet flush and the cubicle unlock. She saw Cassandra sat on the toilet, very pale, sweating excessively, with shallow breathing, "what did you take?"

"I'm sorry," Rachel knelt down in front of Cassandra and rubbed her arm, "I promise I'm not going to be mad at you, I just need to know what you've taken."

"I don't know," she closed her eyes and Rachel told her she couldn't sleep. With great difficulty she managed to get Cassandra up and they left the bathroom. Returning to the dancefloor, they realised it was closing out time and made their way to the exit.

She was grateful to find Matt stood outside having a cigarette, "thank god Matt, I need you to call me an ambulance."

"An ambulance?" Rachel nodded and Matt didn't say anything, he just took out his phone and dialled 999. Sitting down with Cassandra on the steps, Cassandra rested her head on Rachel's shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Rach."

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	14. CHAPTER XIV

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**  
_midnight blues through the window._

* * *

The others were stood by the riverbank and upon seeing Rachel and Cassandra on the floor outside of the club, they knew something wasn't right. Ash knelt down in front of them, "Rachel?"

"Please don't say anything," Cassandra whispered but Rachel knew she had too. Apologising to Cassandra she turned to Ash and told him she'd accidently overdosed. Matt had taken his jacket off at this point and put it around Cassandra to try and stop her from shivering as much as she was. He wasn't that cold anyway so he didn't need his jacket.

"What's wrong?" Jude asked and Ash said about an overdose, she didn't know what to say. Cassandra really didn't look the type to dabble in drugs, especially not be stupid enough to mix it with alcohol which was a dangerous mix. How many patients did they see at work who'd accidently overdosed?

"No hospital," she whispered and Ash answered, "you've got to go to hospital Cassie."

"I want to sleep," she closed her eyes but re-opened them knowing herself she can't sleep. They hoped the ambulance would get here soon, Cassandra wasn't going to fight much longer. Her whole body was exhausted.

Eventually, what seemed like a lifetime, the ambulance arrived and Cassandra was taken in. Rachel volunteered to go with her and promised to tell the others how Cassandra was when she heard something. As the ambulance drove off in the distance with blue lights, the others turned around and began to walk home in silence, concerned for Cassandra's wellbeing.

She was taken to St James' which is a relief for Rachel because at least she doesn't have to worry about people finding out about her overdose and judging her, if it was Holby everyone would know by morning.

Rachel gives Cassandra's details in at reception and as she's sat waiting for the doctor to inform her of some news, she can't help but feel helpless. She's just sat here waiting, like all those patients she saw daily, all worrying about their friend or family member.

It isn't long before the doctor comes to see her, "your friend is lucky. There isn't a lot we can do to conteract the effects of the drug except monitor her condition. We've given her fluids, ran some tests and she is lucky, very lucky. She's asleep at the moment but when a cubicle becomes free, we'll move her in there, okay?"

"Thank you doctor," as he walked away she looked through her handbag for some loose change to ring Charlie to inform him that Cassandra's condition was okay. All they needed to know now was why did she take the drug?

* * *

Cassandra woke, opening her eyes and blinked at the bright lights. Noticing she wasn't where she should've been, in her own bed, at home, she frowned when she caught sight of the IV line in her arm.

Rachel noticed she was beginning to stir and said gently, "back to earth are we?"

Cassandra turned and looked at Rachel. By the decoration of her surroundings, she was going to take a case and presume she'd woken up in hospital and it wasn't Holby, her hospital either. Sitting up, she blinked, "what-what happened?"

"What do you remember last night?"

She swallowed, "hardly anything. I remember a guy, getting a drink, dancing with you, feeling funny and then going to the bathroom. After that everything's a blur."

"Your drink was spiked? Oh Cassie, I thought you'd done in deliberately."

"Thanks for the confidence Rach," she sighed and began to fiddle with the IV line in her arm. She should've known something like this would've happened. She was far too drunk without a care in the world accepting drinks of strange men she didn't know, she'd put herself in danger and this was the consequence of that.

"I meant, I thought you'd known you'd done drugs, the way you were acting." She noticed the blank expression on Cassandra's face and began to explain, "you were apologising constantly that's why I thought you'd been experiementing and it had gone wrong."

She felt tears in her eyes and Rachel hugged her tightly, "No Rachel, I was apologising because I was trying to not ruin your night and the others. That's why I didn't mention anything when I felt funny, I thought I could deal with it on my own."

"Oh Cassie, what are we going to do with you?"

"I don't know," she laughed and sniffed, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand. There was nothing spoken for a minute before she asked, "what did the doctor say?"

"That you were lucky," she smiled sadly and told Cassandra that she'd better inform the others that she was back to the land of living. Just before Rachel left Cassandra told her if she could apologise for her behaviour to the others, she was really sorry they had to be there and witness it.

Rachel nodded and left Cassandra in the cubicle alone, wondering why she'd done something as stupid as_ that_.

* * *

It was only a week after her accidental overdose that her parents were coming up from London.

She didn't know why but she felt more nervous because of the events of the last week, wondering if her parents were ever going to discover how stupid she'd been accepting a drink from a stranger (a drink that was spiked)

She knew her parents couldn't do anything, they could voice their opinion and tell her how disappointed they were with her, all whilst her siblings, as lovely as they were listened and laughed at her stupidity.

The day before they arrived, she spent the entire day tidying. Though she didn't want her house to glow too immacualty, she knew it was important to show her parents that she could take care of the housework, motherhood and a career.

Cassandra's parents shared old fashioned views. They believed a man was the breadwinner and women were good little girls and stayed at home, raised the family and cook and clean ("woman's work," she remembers her dad saying in the kitchen after she told him she wanted to be a nurse.)

"You seem distracted," the question was directed to Cassandra from Kate but she was in that much of her own world, she didn't hear her. It was only when Kate touched her arm that she jumped out of her skin and said, "oh sorry Kate, I wasn't listening."

"I said you seem distracted, is everything alright?"

She nodded her head and smiled softly, "of course. I'm just nervous, my parent's are arriving from London tomorrow morning and it's the first time they've seen the children."

"Are you siblings coming too? You've got two sisters and two brothers right?"

Cassandra answered back that Kate had an impressive memory, it was a while since she told her about her siblings, "it's the first time I've seen them since I moved to Holby when I was seventeen. It's no surprise that I'm nervous really."

"You haven't had any contact in that time?"

"Billy didn't like my parents, hence the reason we moved here. I just—I wish I wasn't so weak, wish I still kept in contact with my parents. I miss them, I was too scared to pick up the phone just in case he found out you know? I'd only be battered senseless again."

"Cass—"

She cut Kate off before she could speak, "you know what they say Kate, onwards and upwards."

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	15. CHAPTER XV

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**  
_it's going down, i'm yelling TIMBA_

* * *

Cassandra must've scrubbed the table four times before the arrival of her parents. No matter what she used on the table it didn't seem clean enough. Giving up, she placed the counters and the vase in the middle of the table and hoped her parents didn't notice the spots of dust and dirt on it.

The children had gone to school because Cassandra wanted to keep as much of a routine as possible. Her children were going to arrive home from school to a house full of strangers, strangers that they were related too. She wanted things to be normal for them before it was thrown in the air.

She took a deep breath when she heard a knock on the door. Swallowing she stood up from the settee and walked to the front door. Unlocking the door she pulled it open. On the doorstep was her mother and father, her siblings stood behind them.

"Cassandra?" she smiled softly and hugged her parents tightly, "hello mum, dad."

Her two brother's bumped fists with Cassandra whereas her two sister's hugged her tightly. Holding the door open further, she invited all six of them into her house, her heart beating furiously inside of her chest. With sticky palms, she wondered if her parents would notice how sparkling the house was, she tried her hardest but it wasn't always easy with three children under five, all of whom were hyperactive.

Mum and dad sat on the settee with Daniel at the side of them. Daisy and Gabriella sat on the two chairs whilst Harley sat on the arm of the settee. Cassandra would've usually cursed but because there was too many of them and not enough seats, she wasn't too bothered. Running a hand through her hair she said gently, "so, what do you think of the house?"

Denise smiled at her oldest daughter and nodded, "it's better than what I thought it'll be. A nice house in a nice part of town, your father and I got a bit lost coming from the station."

"It is a bit of a maze, you soon get used to it."

"So, how long have you been here?"

Cassandra remembered the first time she moved to Holby, aged seventeen closely followed by Billy. How they'd moved into a cheap council house on the Farmead Estate, "Six years though not in the same house. This house is much better than the last. Enough about me, how are you guys? How's school? And work? And university?"

Daniel started chatting about how his job was going, Gabriella shrugged her shoulders and didn't answer, only to say that school was rubbish and she couldn't wait to leave. Harley said pretty much the same thing and Daisy explained that her art course was hard, harder than she thought.

It wasn't long before they started bickering but she didn't mind, Cassandra enjoyed been part of a family, again.

* * *

It had been a particular difficult shift for Cassandra, two days after her parents left for London, with the patient Esther Clayton. A young teenage girl who'd collapsed on her way to school because she'd just given birth to a baby and hid it in the garden shed because she's was scared of her religious parents.

She couldn't ever put herself in Esther's parents shoes, she didn't know how she'd react if any of her children came home and told her they were pregnant or they'd got a girl pregnant. Cassandra would hit the roof.

"Sad isn't it? That poor girl," she began, her head tilted to the side, "fifteen years old with a baby and no parents to support her."

"What would you do if it was one of yours?" Charlie asked and she shrugged her shoulders. Like she'd just thought, there wasn't a lot she could do was there? If they were pregnant or got someone pregnant, Cassandra couldn't shout at them could she? The damage was already done?

"I don't know Charlie but I'd never turn my back on them. That's why I hate religion."

"Why?"

"They spend their entire time telling their children that it's wrong to have sex before marriage and that its a sin but teenagers are teenagers. Of course they're going to get caught up in it all, it's dangerous and fun and exciting. Perhaps instead of telling them how wrong it is, they should educate them to stop unwanted pregnancies and how to keep themselves safe."

"So you wouldn't turn your back on your children?"

Cassandra shook her head and looked at Charlie, "I'd tell them how disappointed I was but I wouldn't leave them to it. What's that teaching them? You make a mistake and the whole world's going to disown you? I made a mistake staying with Billy for six years but nobody turned their back on me did they?"

Putting on her coat and getting her handbag, she turned to Charlie and said goodnight. Leaving the hospital, she found herself thinking of Esther Clayton as she walked home and the life that child was going to have, alone with no support all because she made one little mistake she made.

She was relieved when she got home, the neighbour having looked after her children whilst she worked. She was lucky because she could still work and go home to a tidy house and have her children in bed ready, it was hard but she had to do it. She was a single mother with three children and a career to juggle.

She was emotionally exhausted and lay down on her bed, her clothes still on. She swallowed hard and thought back to Esther Clayton. It made her feel sad that there was a child out there tonight, a mother to another child, staring at a baby wondering where she'd start and why it happened to her.

Esther Clayton was the last thing she thought of as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	16. CHAPTER XVI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**  
_the things we used to do_

* * *

"Cassandra this is Barbara Hayes, Barbara this is Cassandra one of our staff nurses."

"He is _always_ introducing me as Cassandra, he never learns." Mike laughed before Cassandra continued, "please call me Cassie."

"Barbara's come to have a look around to see if she wants to work here for a while," he swallowed and looked down at the floor. She knew what as, he was going and he hadn't even bothered to tell Rachel yet.

"You're leaving?" He nodded, "I applied for special leave and I've got it."

"Back to London, back to your wife?" Barbara could sense the awkwardness between the two but didn't say anything, she could tell relations were strained. Cassandra stared at Mike before she replied, "you'd better tell Rachel before someone else does."

And with that she walked off, wondering why men were all the same! Fucking bastards, the lot of them!

* * *

She'd been in the staff room for fifteen minutes taking a break when Rachel stormed in and slammed the door closed. She swallowed knowing where Rachel's anger had come from and gathered that Mike had informed her, better late than never, that he was leaving.

"You okay?"

She nodded but Cassandra wasn't stupid, she noticed the lone tear that rolled down her cheek which she quickly wiped away. Cassandra breathed out and asked gently, "tea?"

"No thanks," there was a pause, "is this about Mike?"

Rachel turned, arms folded across her chest and leant against the counter, "he's leaving."

"I know," there was an awkward silence as Rachel stared at Cassandra. She knew! She knew and didn't even say anything, "you knew and you didn't say anything? Thank you Cassie, I thought you were my friend!"

She went to storm off but Cassandra's hand on her arm stopped her in her tracks; "I only knew because he introduced me to his replacement Barbara Hayes. I told him to tell you, before you found out from someone else. I wanted to tell you but I thought I'd give him the chance to tell you first."

"You still knew though didn't you?"

"Of course I knew, I think we all knew before you Rach but that's not our fault. That's because he, Mike Barratt is a complete utter dickhead who quite frankly cannot keep it in his pants and has zero communication skills."

"You're not helping Cassie." After Rachel spoke there was a cough and Cassandra slowly turned around. She swallowed hard when she saw Mike and she wondered how long he'd been there (and whether he'd heard her comment calling him a dickhead)

"Rachel can we talk?"

"I think you should leave it Mike," Cassandra answered and bit her lower lip knowing it wasn't really her place to get involved. No matter how close Rachel was to Cassandra she had to deal with her own problems.

"Cassie I'll be fine," she smiled reasurringly at Cassandra to indicate that she could be left alone. Reluctantly she did just that, as much as she wanted to stay, they had to deal with their problems in private. (she would've loved to be a fly on the wall in _that_ conversation though)

Slamming the staff room door closed behind her as she left, she clenched her fists tightly but never the less she left them alone to talk.

* * *

It had been a hard shift for all of them, Eddie especially with the young girl in Resus, a Jehovah's Witness. It made it ten times harder to treat especially as she was losing blood and wouldn't allow them to replace it.

It was just one of those things, a belief that blood is life and only God can give life. They had to respect her decision regardless of how old she was, or how aware she was of the concequences. She didn't want blood and they couldn't force it on her, something Eddie couldn't comprehend.

"Blood is the soul of the flesh," Cassandra repeatedly quietly in the staff room though it still caught Kate's attention.

"What?" she chewed her lower lip as she answered, "blood is the soul of the flesh, that's what Sarah said when she was first brought in."

"The Jehovah?"

"Yeah," she sighed deeply, "sad isn't it? She was what—sixteen, her entire life ahead of her and some moron throws her through a window. I guess she had some comfort in her last hours knowing God was there."

Rachel came in and both Kate and Cassandra looked at each other. Cassandra was the only person to know about Mike, though she suspected Kate knew (she had called them both peaky a few weeks ago) she looked okay and Kate left Cassandra and Rachel to it, informing them she'd see them tomorrow night for their night shift.

Cassandra hated nights, coming in when it was dark and leaving when it was light was awful! There was a silence between her and Rachel before she asked, "how did your talk with Mike go?"

"It was okay, he said he was going to tell me but he _couldn't_ find the words."

"No that's because he's a knob." she tilted her head to the side and said gently, "do you want a girlie night in? Me, you and a bottle of red? The children should be awake when I get home, they'll be excited to see their Auntie Rachel."

"Fine but I might not be good company," Cassandra laughed and linked arms with Rachel, "you'll be better company than what I had planned. A quiet house, a bottle of wine to myself and then probably drunken phone-calling you."

"Don't," she smiled, "I promise I won't. So, are you up for it?"

"Yeah as long as you promise to behave."

"I promise now is that better?"

* * *

**jottings** / if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


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